Starting over . . .again

If you read my daughter's blog onestepfromtheedge, and read today's post, you would have read that Bill and I broke up. Ten years gone down the shitter. I have to say that I have been handling it quite well. Until this past week. It's been a little over 3 weeks and I haven't cried and have been quite up beat to tell you the truth. But tomorrow is moving day and it's finally and completely dawned on me that it's final. Poof! We had our arguments over the years but the subject of his daughter, who is 19 and a spoiled brat (and that's putting it nicely) could bring the worst arguments ever. She lies, manipulates, is very, very phoney, and has her dad wrapped around her finger. She has always been jealous of Bill's and my relationship and has made my last ten years basically miserable when she was around. I'm living at my parents and I am very thankful for them. But the saying is so true. . .you can't go home again. I just want my own space. I want my privacy. But I'm not even starting to look for a place of my own until after vacation which is the end of July, beginning of August. My mom keeps trying to "fix me up" and I'm thinking. . .WHAT ARE YOU THINKING. The last thing I need right now is another guy in my life. I need time to heal and be by myself and just chill. Her heart is in the right place but right now it's the last thing I need. One thing I really worry about are my grandkids. They have grown up calling Bill poppa. When I go see them they ask where is he. While Kenzie will ask, she soon forgets. She's in a world of her own. But Evan misses him. Bill would play games with him and spend a lot of time with him making up stories. I know they are young but I still worry. I wonder if Bill has thought of them. No. Too busy doting on his 19 year old daughter who could give a shit. She didn't like them calling him poppa and made faces every time they said it.

I do have another guy though. His name is Wicket. I finally got a pup and he is absolutely the cutest little thing you ever want to encounter. I would post a pic but can't remember how to do it. And while I'm on the subject of pics, how in the hell do I get the pic of me and "whatshisname" off my blog?

One day at a time

It's in his eyes

My job. . . I love it. But it is also one that after awhile. . .from what people tell me, you tend to not believe and just do your job to the best of your ability. I am a paralegal and I go to court three days a week and speak with some of our clients who have not paid child support for more reasons than I care to admit to. And if I talk to just one out of the many that I talk to does what I ask him or her to do, and succeeds, then I'm lucky. There is one guy that has been in and out of jail for not paying child support. Has gone missing for a year and was just recently picked up. I talked to him as an "in custody" and there was something about him that grabbed my heart. I asked him to do several things and he did them as soon as he got out. He has continued to do what I ask him to do and has yet to go "AWOL" on me. Maybe I haven't been doing this long enough and when I told the prosecutor what I wanted he laughed. I stuck my neck out and said I believed him and I believed in him. He needs to go into treatment for his alcoholism, he has grandkids he wants to know and needs to get his life in order. That he is ready to do that and I believe in him. Well. . .after much discussion, I got what I wanted for him and he has yet to let me down. Maybe it is true, that I am naive with the stories that these guys will tell. But I have to believe in the system and this guy, who nobody has ever stuck their neck out for. He is trying and he is succeeding. And if he falls, I will be there to help him. I see it in his eyes that he means business this time. I have put faith in him and he has been extremely grateful. He said nobody has ever done that for him before. Maybe I can make a difference. I hope I never lose that. That I never look at these guys as losers and nobodies. I am not saying I agree with not paying child support. I am one of the many women in this country that had a dead beat dad for my child. I am saying that everyone deserves a second and maybe a third chance. This guy is trying and I can see it in his eyes.

It's Tooooooooooooooo Quiet

The kids have moved and I'm hating it. The grandkids always with their questions. . . .the same ones over and over again. The kisses, the hugs, the "I want Nanna to do it". It's so damn quiet. Never thought I would say that. After five months of having the kids here, I'm having to get used to Bill and myself all over again. Bill likes it because he can now walk around nude again. Even with all the blinds open. I know I will get used to it but yesterday I called Christie four times. Just because. No real reason. Just called. Okay. . .it's sad I know. I haven't even seen their new home. I watched the kids while they moved. I think they did that on purpose. Don't let mom know right away where we live. Parents I know can be a pain at times, but cut me some slack. They are the best.

Heartsick

Bill lived next door to the same couple (husband and wife) for many, many years. He bought the house they were renting, they moved to Marysville. We haven't seen them for quite awhile. We were told that this weekend the husband committed suicide. Bill and I are heartsick. We haven't kept in touch. Not that it would have mattered, but who knows. . .My heart goes out to his kids. What are they going to do without their dad? And his wife? Granted, they had a very loud and somewhat abusive marriage. They never hit each other, but boy, the fights they used to have. But that was their relationship. And they loved each other. He was a big, strong, very handsome man. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, but was life really that hard? He had a great job, a roof over his head, a wife who loved him and kids and grandkids. The grandkids are at the age where you don't know if they will remember him or not. It leaves me feeling . . .I can't explain it. Confused. . .numb. . .anger. Tell your family that you love them. Don't let another day go by without doing that. Let them know.

Once a parent . . .

Just sitting here thinking about the kids moving out. I have absolutely loved it. I cannot tell you how good it feels to come home from work and Kenzie and Evan waiting for me with big smiles and big kisses. Christie in the kitchen fixing dinner. Jay rides home with me. I will miss that too. I will miss Kenzie's saying just about every night those words "I don't like this. . .I don't want to eat it." Then asking what 's for dessert. Dinner time has not always been an enjoyable time of the evening. But I will miss it. Bill and Jay egging each on with aggravating and sometimes gross banter back and forth, and Christie and I acting as though we are thoroughly disgusted. Jay and Bill making me gag with some of their explicit descriptions of anything and everything disgusting. It wasn't hard since I have a very low gag tolerance. I will miss the kisses good night. I will miss poppa playing troll with the kids and hearing all the laughs and screams that this play brings. Playing super heros is one of their favorites. Poppa is very good at this and the kids just love it and him. I will miss the excursions to Costco with my daughter where we go to buy just a few things and we end up with a carload full of groceries. So many things I will miss so I could go on and on. Once parents always parents. I now know what that means. They will only be a mere half hour away but it doesn't matter. Bill and I will enjoy the quiet. But when it gets too much for me, Kenzie and Evan can come and stay. At least overnight. Maybe longer.

I have Movement

Went to the chiropractor today. Feel so much better. After my treatment, dr. told me to keep my chin down. I told him this is not a good look for the aging woman. He agreed but told me to do it anyway. This is not a snap, crackle, pop type of chiropractor. He does something with the neck and swear that you have just been taken to the bank. But I swear to God whatever he does, it works. Erik Johnson in Bellevue. I recommend to anyone. He is the only one that could help my dad. So I will be returning to work on Monday. But now that I can move I can no longer breath. I have an awful cold which I have passed onto Bill. Nose is raw. Won't that look good in court.

My grandaughter Kenzie has been very loving this week. Knows that nanna is not feeling well but also seem to think that I am staying home just to be with her. And the things she says. . . like. . ." oh nanna, do those cracks in your face hurt?" Out of the mouths of babes.

Thanks for all the nice thoughts. Will blog more later.